Bro Science Fake Natty: The Functional Medical Practitioner Messiah in the Age of the Micropenis
- lpfaust
- Jul 27, 2023
- 6 min read
YouTube, TikTok, and social media channels across the interwebz have churned out a motley army of QVC, armchair-quarterback, pseudoscience, disposable “celebrity” influencers consumed with the goal of becoming vapid obtutainment maxis.
Obtutainment? Is this a made-up word LP? In a nutshell, yes. But I’ve made a Merriam Webster-style definition for some marginal authenticity in lieu of a Certificate of Authenticity and a Collectable Coin.
Obtutainment (obtuse entertainment): is the vapid, disposable social media “influencer” haul video, filmed in the confessional style format of MTV’s Real World, filled with antagonistic narcissism and a subtext of deep contempt for the plebs who like, subscribe, and follow. The sole purpose is to pimp paid product endorsements for shit they would never use to compulsive, consumerist hoarders desperate for external validation.
Shoehorned between the obtainment videos of Natural Selection inspired beauty hacks substituting products from the local hardware store with traditional beauty products (eg. Gorilla Glue with hair gel), and Van Life videos featuring twenty-five-year-old life coaches earning their homeless influencer Boy Scout merit badges in a van down buy the river, sits the disposable celebrity influencer at the top of this FDA approved Ponzi-Pyramid of likes, subscribes, and follows. It’s the King of Strunes himself - the Bro Science Fake Natty Influencer.
I mean, do you even lift?
He is the “functional medical practitioner” pimping homeopathic products manufactured at a Chinese biolab in Wuhan province, rigorously tested on the most endangered and threatened species worldwide, sourced exclusively from ethical poachers, and guaranteed to safely tan your taint for that essential Vitamin D.
He is the Craigslist Bodyguard ready to dap you up, provide that emotional support, and reassure you there is nothing homoerotic about tanning your scrotum side by side with your besticle hetero life-partner to boost your testosterone.
He is the inspiration for the hero Tina Turner sang about in the song We Don’t Need Another Hero, and the hero we need for this Age of the Micropenis.
The Rise of the Age of the Micropenis
Dr. Shanna H. Swan, a renowned environmental and reproductive epidemiologist and her team, ran a comprehensive semen quality study which (discovered sperm counts had plummeted in the West by 59 percent between 1973 and 2011. Their study determined this decrease was tied directly to the use of industrial chemicals in everyday products). Not only did the Swan study discover industrial chemicals degrade semen quality, but it was also linked to upticks in erectile dysfunction and smaller penis sizes.
“…exposure to phthalates, chemicals found commonly in plastics and toys, at the end of the first trimester in the womb, led to a shorter anogenital distance (AGD) ‘Nobody is going to like that term, so you could use taint or gooch instead,’ she told The Intercept, though not like we’re gonna be using her suggested alternative words anytime soon either. ‘But basically, it’s the distance between the anus and the beginning of the genitals. And scientists have recognized its importance for a long time. I have a paper from 1912 that looks at AGD and showed that they were nearly 100 percent longer in males than in females. Our work has shown that chemicals, including the diethylhexyl phthalate, shorten the AGD in males.’”
It is often said that art imitates life.
Coincidentally, it turns out on Youtube, there are roughly 4.75 million searches per month for the phrase “Micropenis” with about 137,000 videos appearing in the search results. An average Micropenis video on YouTube gets about 35,000 views.
I think we can all agree that’s a lot more action than we ever expected for a micropenis.
The YouTube search results and the results from the Swan study suggest the character Banky Edwards (played by Jason Lee) from the movie Chasing Amy was an absolute visionary with his finger on the pulse of the rising micropenis trend in his “Everyone Needs Dick” soliloquy. In fact, the phrases small penis, micro penis, and flaccid penis are all tagged more frequently on Youtube than the phrase bigger penis. It just emphasizes the world isn’t necessarily clamoring for bigger dicks – clearly everyone just needs more dick during this burgeoning deficit of dick.
Tucker Carlson’s The End of Men - The Modern Documentary
Right before FOX News booted Tucker Carlson from the network’s highest rated primetime show, he self-produced a documentary titled The End of Men as part of his larger docuseries Tucker Carlson Originals.
The End of Men is a documentary film largely focused on declining testosterone levels of American men from pharmaceuticals and industrial chemicals. It’s littered with intensely homoerotic montages of shirtless and glistening brofessors, firing assault rifles in the hot sun - Quentin Tarantino style, with exaggerated, slow-motion action sequences, and nude brofessors standing - statue of Christ the Redeemer style - in front of sun lamps, tanning their scrotum like a farmer incubating chicken eggs.
Think less Kill Bill and more Brokeback Mountain.
His documentary film sequences are scored to groundbreaking, dramatic soundtracks, and littered with the subtle undertones of the phrase “No Homo” backwards masked and looped through the underbelly of the music. For the duration of the film, Tucker Carlson lectures the viewer in his trademark condescending, fufu-authoritative tone about declining testosterone, endocrine disruptors, and Bro Science Life.
I mean, nothing creates the exaggerated appearance of authority on declining testosterone levels and micropenises quite like being lectured by a dude whose Kenergy suggests he should be nominated for best supporting cuck in an AVN award winning hotwife porn video.
But I digress.
Yes, Broscientists. The raw egg slinking, gluten-free living, and fake natty steroid cycling Captain Caveman messiah of the golden strunes promised from the documentary film Idiocracy, scro. In The End of Men, Tucker presents these strict empiricists (with blurred faces to disguise their identities) as both the “trust me bro” authority and hero we need for this on this new Dark Age of the deficit of dick and decline of semen quality.
I mean, if the best supporting cuck nominee fake natty Kenergy is a bit to femme to lecture you about shrinking penises and declining semen quality, maybe the Captain Caveman, ‘roided up Broscience Fake Natty swami, with strunes from steroid cycles without end, shrink wrapped in lycra gym attire designed for a little league athlete is the TED Talk motivational speaker needed for this new era of Micropenis Manliness.
Bro Science Evolution
Broscience – is defined as
“Word of mouth knowledge passed off as fact, primarily among bodybuilders + weightlifters. Generally spouted most by guys who have used loads of steroids and are huge, have no idea what is happening to their bodies and then share that same cluelessness with others who make the false assumption that their experience means that they have knowledge.”
We all know that dude, right? GigaChad “Heart Boner” Thundercock.
In front of the camera when addressing his fellow "primals," he’s a no frills, no FAP, Captain Caveman, wearing an upcycled Russian Tank Armor chastity belt and a spent uranium anti-tank butt-plug. Away from the "primals" and off camera however, he passes his time playing a regular game of lawn darts with his ass and a few syringes of steroids, while sipping a pretentious cauliflower milk latte, and tanning his taint and scrotum. Nothing says savage, fertile, Giga-Chad Thundercock Kenergy quite like the body of a chiseled Adonis featuring with an order of Strunes and a side of limp dick, right?
So, LP, who are these fearless, trailblazing bro science evolution thought leaders and stewards of this limp dick , micropenis future? Who are these heroes Tina Turner sung about?
Bro Science Fake Natty First Ballot Hall of Fame Inductees
Brian Johnson, also known as the Liver King, is a fitness social media influencer and entrepreneur. He is known for promoting what he calls an "ancestral lifestyle", which includes eating large amounts of raw organs and meat. Aside from recommending the daily consumption of liver, getting caught playing darts with his ass and a few syringes of steroids on the DL is the source of inspiration for his I Have a Dream MTV Real World Confessional apolojesus video to uplift the, “80,000 people a day that try to kill themselves … from depression, autoimmune, infertility, anxiety, and low ambition in life.”
After all, everyone knows a motivational speaker is really just a Broscientist who doesn’t lift weights.
Colton Macaulay is living his best Bro Science Life Cringe. Instead of evangelizing his swoleness through better roidmonger chemistry and Reps for Jesus for likes and subscribes on his channel, our hero has decided to selflessly advance the collective body of Bro Science Life Ignorance by embarking on a self-described five-day mission to turn his urine blue by chugging blue food coloring. Nothing says commitment to science quite like shitting out a Smurf every day and farming tumors in your intestine for science.
Just imagine the bright promise for the future of humanity when Bro Science finally goes mainstream and integrates with AI. So bright it’s like a James Cameron film starring Cyberdyne Systems Artificial Intelligence.
We really are doomed as a species.
After all, wasn’t it Alexis De Tocqueville who said that in the Age of Micropenises and Decreasing Sperm Counts, the people get the Broscience Life Influencer they deserve?
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